she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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