My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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