So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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