Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Still dying that you shit outside
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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