If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
