So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
