Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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