Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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