Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
