I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
