Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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