whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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