I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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