I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
