i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
