My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
