You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
