im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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