i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
