My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
