I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
