oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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