Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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