even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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