I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
