the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
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Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
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I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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