and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
