Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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