$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
