very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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