i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
