What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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