i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
