My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We're too hungover to prance.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
