That's intense
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
