too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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