I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
