woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
