peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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