I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
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I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
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You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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