FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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