I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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