Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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