She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
