Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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