Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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