And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
