____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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