I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
