shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just gift wrapped bread.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
