Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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