OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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