You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
