i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
