i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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