fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
