is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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