i don't like sucking hair
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
