fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
