Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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